What's real joy?

Here I am. College graduate. Living at home. Working at a grocery store. Still not accepted to a PT school yet. Sometimes it's just frustrating. Like I can't grasp the purpose in me working at a grocery store barely making minimum wage when I could be working as a PTA making good money. What I cannot understand even more is why I'm not already in PT school working toward my DPT. Sometimes I just don't understand the "why" behind certain things. And I've really been struggling lately with this like am I gonna go nowhere in life? Cause that's what it feels like at sometimes. But tonight I opened up my Bible to Ecclesiastes 1. Don't ask me why cause I don't know. It was just in my heart to read it. And in Ecclesiastes 1 Solomon talks about how this life is meaningless. How everything we do in this life is meaningless. And Solomon was talking about his life. And he was like one of the richest, wealthiest, wisest, pretty much had everything he wanted guy. Like my thought is of someone famous today. And he said it was meaningless. This life. I couldn't stop reading. The thing is Solomon had it right...cause what he was saying was everything in this life is meaningless and worthless apart from your relationship/commitment to God. I went on to chapter 2 because I just couldn't put it down. I wanted to read more. Solomon then talked about how he tried building the biggest houses, temples, having multiple slaves, etc. It makes me think of in today's time having the hottest spouse, the nicest car, the biggest home, the nicest electronics, the nicest car, the best job, etc. But Solomon said that His true joy came from the Lord. Like I love that! I love how in the midst of feeling just lost and unsure of my near future that I have plans so much bigger than here on this earth. That my time on this earth is just a season. But that what comes after this life will last for forever. It just put it into perspective that God has a plan and my joy isn't in having the best job, or getting into PT school, or even living in the nicest house or apartment. It's in this awesome Creator who longs for a relationship with me. And that's enough. Actually it's more than enough. 

Society can't make you whole.

Society...they tell us we have to have a bf/gf or you have to have an interest. Society also tells us to follow our heart...and well we know where that leads us. But take this into consideration, the Bible says that the heart is deceitful an desperately wicked. Which totally contradicts what society tells us. I mean why would we follow out hearts if they were deceitful. So I'm done with this you have to have a bf and if you don't have one you must be looking for someone to fill that void. The easy thing to do is to fall into that category and have those desires. Okay when I think of society I think of the world. And just so happens when I was doing my quiet time tonight one passage talked about how you can't be half way on the worlds side and the other half on Gods side. The world and God are enemies. And so I feel like when we let this world conform us into thinking we have to have a bf/gf then we are choosing the world over God in that instance. Which ultimately we know is wrong which is sin. I guess ultimately I just wanna feel whole and well to be honest this whole seeking after a bf and what not isn't going to make you feel whole. I'm learning more and more every day that God is the ONLY thing that is going to make me feel whole. And when it comes down to it, I don't want to just praise Him and be in the mindset that if I am patient He is gonna bring me the right guy. I wanna be in the mindset of this is God. Why is He not enough, when He is really all I need? I want to have a desire for God so much that I'm not like just being patient for that right guy. But that I am enjoying every single second of growing closer to the Author an Creator of a love that is never ending and never failing. I mean really of we are honest NO man can even come close to beating that!

A year ago...

A year ago from today my world came crashing down when my parents walked through the door and gave me and my sister some of the worst news of our life. We had just brought in the new year the day before. It's gonna be a good year, a better year. Well on the 2nd of January my mom had a doctors appointment to get the results of some tests. My parents walk in the front door and they call both me and my sister in the sun room, we can tell they have been crying. And that's when they tell us that mom has cancer. I can't even explain how I felt that day. I think I just felt like this is supposed to happen to me. You hear of people getting cancer, but you never really think it will actually hit that close to home. I don't remember crying that much in my whole life. All I could think is not my mom...will she be here for Mother's Day, or Christmas, or thanksgiving.... It has been a long hard year. But one year later my mom is cancer free, we got another thanksgiving, and Christmas! I can tell you this is probably the most thankful I have been in a very long time. I can see how God has used this experience to bring my family closer to Him and to bring my family closer to each other. So today don't take your family for granted. Love on them. Cause tomorrow you could be the one being told that your closest loved one had cancer. And when bad times do come, it may not be cancer but bad times will come....hold onto Jesus. That's what's gonna get you through. So this year I wanna focus on leaning on Jesus more with my life and just loving my family! Happy New Year everyone!

Sticky situations

So I just keep getting so caught up in situations. Sticky situations. And I just don't like it. But I've come to notice that sometimes I get so caught up in the situation and I forget who I am. But then I stop and I'm like okay God I guess I could get your input. And I just love the feeling of peace before I even pour out my heart to God. And the the more I pour my heart out the more it's like this problem seems so big, but in reality when compared to my God this problem is like smaller than the tiniest ant. And ah I just love the peace that comes with trusting God with the whole situation. I'm just coming to love prayer more and more and more. And I love it. Which leads me to this. There are a few people in my life that I just I love them to death. Just really care about them. And they are hurting or struggling with one thing or another. And I am such a people pleaser and I want to always make everything better but sometimes you just can't. So from this day I'm making a promise to myself that I'm gonna pray for these friends of mine...specific to their situations. I just. I don't know what else to do. But I do know that the second I even think about taking a problem I God I get peace so I feel like right now praying for these people on a daily basis is what is going to help the most. Anyways. Well bed time calls. Goodnight.

Christmas time

Here it is the night before Christmas and I'm laying in the floor of my grandparents living room playing wheel of fortune against my mom on our iPhones as we sit in the same room. This Christmas I just feel so blessed with just everything, from my family, to my friends, to being healthy and having a roof over my head. But most of all I'm thankful for Jesus. This Christmas has been so different. Yes, I have been raised in a Christian family where I was taught the real meaning I Christmas but this year it's just seemed to click like no other year. I'm just sitting here imagining what 2000 something years ago the world was awaiting the birth of the Savior. I know like just saying it, it doesn't sound like much...but just sit and imagine...the One...the promised One...it was finally God's timing for Jesus to enter this world. I just...the more I sit and imagine about it...the more chills it gives me...Jesus coming into this sin-filled world. Just think He left Heaven...for us! That's just unfathomable to me. Now this is not even close to comparison but I think of it similar to leaving Hawaii and going to the desert or to like Antarctica. And now only did he choose to come here but he chose to come here and pretty much be tortured and abused and murdered for our sake. For us! Because He loved us. And I know I think that's Easter not Christmas. But they go hand in hand. And this Christmas I'm just in complete awe of this Savior who loves me more than anything. And this Christmas I refuse to get wrapped up in anything unless it is Jesus. That's it....JESUS!

Want vs need

You came into my life for a reason. Or maybe I came into your life for a reason. I've been through what you're going through. I know the hurt you're feeling. I've felt it too. I was trying to be the one who helped you see the light at the end of the tunnel because once I was the one who thought this season of sadness would never end. But along the way maybe I fell for you just a little bit. Maybe I put my guard down more than I should have. Right now I know that's not what you need even if you may think it is. Right now you just need a friend. Right now it's time to put those certain guards back up and be the friend you need me to be. Right now I want to go back to the just friends we were until your hurt is gone. Until you feel whole again. Then maybe. Just maybe we could see where else this might go.

Unorganized

Okay right now I just have so much on my mind and it's so just unorganized. First I just am feeling so blessed about having such an amazing family and friends and having the opportunity to get an education and most importantly for Jesus Christ. Which brings me to the second thing it's Christmas time and this Christmas feels so different than any other. This Christmas it's just like I've hit this point of realizing Christmas is really all about Jesus. Take away the presents, Santa, or even family time. That isn't what it's about. It is about Jesus and his coming into this world. It's not just about his coming but it's about his life. I'm just humbled by that fact. And this Christmas I don't want to get caught in the Christmas season. I want to just be in awe of Jesus and just Him alone. Third thing right now my heart is just breaking for the families in Connecticut who lost their precious children in a school shooting. My prayer is that lives will be touched through this terrible incidence and that God's glory will be revealed in even something so terrible is taking the lives of 20 precious 6 and 7 year olds. Cause ultimately God's glory will prevail. Okay now to change topics. One last thing I want to talk about. FRIENDS! This semester of school I have truly found some of the most amazing friends. Some I have found to be less true than others. But some I have found, I know they will be true friends till well forever. And those friends you can go to about anything and who will drop anything to just listen to you...well those are the type of people in your life that you need. I've realized that those people who bring you more sadness than happiness...well they aren't worth your time or energy. So that's al so right now I'm feeling blessed, saddened, and also very thankful!